In our must-read Mail+ column, Steve Jackson and Peter van Onselen reveal what's REALLY going on in the worlds of media and politics each week.
When will Ten kill off its pet Project?
Remember the last time you sat down and enjoyed watching a rollicking instalment of Channel 10's 'news done differently' gibberfest The Project?
No? Us neither.
Despite getting prime-time billing and being fronted by the network's only star, Sarah Harris, the program rarely finishes in the top 20 most-watched shows each night.
What's more, OzTam figures show less than one per cent of Australians tune in - and even that miniscule audience is in freefall.
And all this despite the network's comically bizarre humble-brag that 'The Project is the only news program in the world that doesn't use canned laughter'. (Er, we must have missed all those belly laughs on Four Corners).
Indeed, viewers are tuning out at such an alarming rate, insiders tell us it's sparked an existential crisis on set with many staffers dusting off their CVs while prophesying about the program's imminent collapse.
Viewers are tuning out of The Project at such an alarming rate, it's sparked a crisis on set with many staffers dusting off their CVs while prophesying about the program's imminent collapse
The main problem with The Project? The format is too old for young people online, too young for old people on television, and too tired and boring for just about everyone in between.
We mean, really... watching 70-year-old Steve Price trading barbs with 70-year-old Malcolm Turnbull in prime-time this week? Doesn't the Geneva Convention prohibit such cruel and unusual punishment?
Little wonder the network's execs are actively weighing up whether to give the ailing program the chop once and for all.
So just how nervous should the show's staff be?
Well, we asked Ten whether it was true The Project was currently 'under review' and not long for this world... only to be told, 'We won't be commenting on this.'
Yikes! That doesn't fill us with confidence.
With Ten clamming up, we decided to seek out Peter Meakin.
After all, the legendary journo is the most revered - and successful - TV newsman in the nation's history and the only person to head up the news and current affairs division at all three of Australia's commercial networks.
What's more, he was the real driving force behind The Project's news chops until just over a year ago.
Believe it or not, The Project panel once looked like this
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So, we asked him - excuse us, Mr Meakin - do you think The Project has much of a future?
And it certainly didn't sound like it.
'With audiences shrinking across the board and the subsequent cost-cutting, it's hard to be optimistic about any show,' he told us, tactfully.
So, you're saying there's a chance it could get sacrificed to the gods of cost-cutting?
'I have had no involvement with The Project or Ten for more than a year and I don't believe I have anything constructive to add,' he said, again tactfully.
'But budgets have always been important. In the old days, they were a starting point - and, if the show was successful, complaints of over-spending were often muted.
'We may even have been extravagant at times but we could afford to be. But there's no money anymore and very little fun.
Ten wouldn't bite, so we spoke to news veteran Peter Meakin, who stressed that media executives cannot ignore budgets
'Who was it again who said that accountants know the cost of everything and the value of nothing?'
Hmm... we're not sure. Aristotle?
'Actually, it might have been Oscar Wilde who applied that to cynics rather than accountants,' he informed us.
'Still, if the abacus fits, wear it.'
Wise words from one of the business's best brains. Make of it what you will, but we reckon we have a fairly good idea of how things are adding up for The Project. Abacus or no abacus.
Mamamia twins part ways
It's no secret in our industry that Mia Freedman, the founder of 'women's network' Mamamia, commands almost cult-like loyalty among her (mostly) female staff.
So we were shocked to learn one of her most loyal acolytes, one-time executive editor and podcaster Clare Stephens, resigned in January after nearly a decade.
Clare wasn't just a long-serving foot soldier in Freedman's media empire; she was a powerful figure in the newsroom and central to the Mamamia brand as one half of 'The Twins', alongside her sister, Jessie Stephens, with whom she shared a newsroom, career and job title. (Apparently a womb wasn't enough.)
Mamamia executive editor and podcaster Clare Stephens (left, with her twin sister Jessie on the right) exited the women's media company amid much surprise earlier this year
The Stephens twins had both been considered 'lifers' at the news and podcasting empire run by former magazine editor Mia Freedman (pictured)
Her reason for leaving?
Apparently Clare wants to forge her own path as a solo media personality separate to Mia and her twin sister. She's already done a very Mamamia-y piece for Sydney's Morning Herald newssheet about what a bad egg Ben Cousins is.
And she has a book coming out called The Worst Thing I've Ever Done which is, er, all about fictional women at a fictional women's media company. Fancy that!
The story follows a female journalist whose life is turned upside down after she 'unexpectedly outrages' a high-profile interviewee, leading to a social media pile-on.
Hmm... sounds familiar?
Guardian in the 'find out' stage after editor quits
The musical chairs inside the Guardian's Canberra bureau took a sad turn last week with (now former) political editor Karen Middleton announcing on social media she had left the organisation after 'an extended period of medical leave'.
Inside Mail has watched this sorry saga unfold for months as the respected press gallery veteran was forced to contend with jealous bitterness from a series of also-rans who thought they deserved her job, making it impossible for her to continue.
When a person who's forged a 30-plus-year career in Canberra media circles across multiple platforms with distinction - without a hint of a scandal, we might add - gets characterised by members of her new team as 'the problem child', you really do have to wonder whether it's the ones pointing their fingers who were the problem.
The news website's senior political correspondent Paul Karp has also left, as has reluctant landlord-turned-influencer Amy Remeikis.
After a months-long absence, Karen Middleton quit as Guardian Australia's political editor last week. We hear the Canberra bureau is now in a state of disarray in the lead-up to the election
The news website's senior political correspondent Paul Karp (left) has also left, as has reluctant landlord-turned-influencer Amy Remeikis (right)
Karp's replacement hasn't even started yet, although with the election now not due until May, he'll get into the bureau just in time to write a few pieces before having to wait another three years for the next election.
Inside Mail's Peter van Onselen spoke this week with someone with inside knowledge of the Guardian's Canberra bureau and Middleton's exit.
Losing Middleton was always going to decimate the Guardian's political coverage, they told him, but letting her go right before an election involving Anthony Albanese competing as PM was baffling.
Middleton, of course, wrote the only biography available on Albo. She knows him personally and would've been better placed than most political journalists to analyse his performance and get scoops. Not anymore.
We wish her replacement luck. They'll need it.
'Keto Albo' helps out a mate
Speaking of which... while the Guardian's new political correspondent Tom McIlroy hasn't written books about Albo, he did recently publish a book for which the PM was the star attraction on launch day.
Somehow our very busy PM had a free hour or so to rock up to McIlroy's launch of Blue Poles: Jackson Pollock, Gough Whitlam and the Painting that Changed a Nation.
Albo had a few words to say before settling in for 45 minutes to watch commentator Niki Savva chat with the new author on stage, leaving the running of the country ever so briefly to the likes of Treasurer (and wannabe leader) Jim Chalmers.
I've heard Albo, whose pre-leadership weight loss is shown here, is still on the keto diet. He managed to avoid the canapés at a book launch recently
While the PM probably should have better things to do this close to a budget and an election, his attendance says more about McIlroy's contacts than it does about Albo's love of canapés. (He is still on the keto diet, we are reliably informed).
Perhaps the incoming senior political correspondent will get a promotion before he's even arrived? Perhaps upgraded to political editor? Even if he doesn't, the good news for whoever does assume the role is that McIlroy isn't the sort of fellow to white-ant his new boss when they get there...
Dead air for Golden Bachelor?
We know, we know. We haven't talked about human headline Sam Armytage lately.
And while we don't have any news about her this week, we have heard some ghoulish gossip about the show she's hosting for Channel Nine, senior citizen matchmaking series The Golden Bachelor.
Rumour has it the late-in-life lonely hearts club is already experiencing production delays.
What happened? A Viagra drought on set?
Well, sources claimed there was a slight snafu as the series' first pick to be their mature leading man... he, well, died. Just days out from filming.
We heard a rumour Nine's original leading man for upcoming dating show The Golden Bachelor died suddenly. Fortunately he's still alive - but the reason he was replaced remains a mystery
We asked Nine about the rumours and were told that, while production did change the show's leading man at the eleventh hour, fortunately, it wasn't because of a sudden death.
The original pick, we are reassured, is very much alive and well.
So, why the last-minute switch? All we can say is... stay tuned.
Spotlight dims ambitions
There's an old saying in TV land: no one ever built a statue of an accountant.
But it seems the media types at Seven's Media City headquarters in Sydney's inner-south may well be on the verge of contemplating one (and not just because their current CEO Jeff Howard is a former beancounter).
For months, we've been hearing rumours of brewing behind-the-scenes dramas at the network's long-form snooze and current affairs program, Spotlight.
On top of that, the show hasn't won the ratings in almost a year - despite boasting blockbuster, headline-making interviews with James Packer and Heston Russell.
Seven's Spotlight seems to have abandoned its great hope of being a challenger to Nine's 60 Minutes. We hear the team is instead popping open the Yellowglen just for 'making budget'
Now, to be fair, the program hasn't been on air for half that time and is only back for its first, long-overdue outing for 2025 this Sunday, when veteran sports broadcaster Bruce McAvaney interviews 17-year-old Aussie sprinting sensation Gout Gout.
Whether that story's got the legs to finally win the ratings race for Spotlight remains to be seen. (Spoiler alert: it doesn't).
But with pressure mounting on the part-time program and talk of backroom brouhahas, we decided to check in with the powers-that-be at Seven to see how things were really tracking.
And we're assured they've never been peachier.
Why? Well, we're told the team are all very excited about... making budget this financial year. Wow!
Apparently, they've completely given up trying to compete with 60 Minutes and are simply focusing on winning the battle of the spreadsheets.
And here we were thinking commercial television was all about winning the ratings.
Even paradise has a downside
If you asked bush balladeer Slim Dusty, there's nothing 'so lonesome, morbid or dear, than to stand in the bar of a pub with no beer'.
But one-time 60 Minutes star Charles Wooley reckons he can go one better - he's just moved to a town with no pub.
He's been living life on the fly since stepping away from full-time journalism five years ago, and these days devotes his life to the art of angling for trout.
Wooley is quite serious about it. So serious, he's put his beachfront home on the market and retreated to a shack in the heart of the Apple Isle to focus on his daily hunt for trout.
One-time 60 Minutes star Charles Wooley just moved to a town with no pub in Tasmania. The upside is there are plenty of great lakes for angling for trout
The only downside - there's nowhere to have a wee dram after a long day on the lake.
It's not all doom and gloom though, he said… well, at least theoretically.
'Bronte Lagoon is only five minutes away. One of the prettiest lakes in the country, it holds a large number of trout, though sometimes you wouldn't think so,' he told us.
‘But at the right time, when wind, light and temperature happily collude, you can catch some great fish.'
Like any true fisherman, he even flicked us a quick happy snap to show us the proof! Any chance he has room for an apprentice angler?
'I'm happy to see even more mainland tourists at Bronte Park but stay off my lake,' Wooley told us. 'You've got a thousand others to choose from!'
Hands off the merchandise!
What becomes of the broken hearted? Well, it seems this week they've been working at Inside Mail.
After thinking we'd struck up a friendship with the ABC's new-ish chair Kim Williams after bumping into him at an inner-city café in December, suddenly we're getting the 'email my publicist' treatment.
We texted him the other day with a quick query - after he kindly invited us to keep in touch - and he decided it was easier to forward our message on to Aunty's team of spin doctors, instructing them to tell us he wasn't up for a chat.
We thought we were mates with ABC's straight-talking new chair Kim Williams. Now we're getting the 'ask my publicist' treatment
So this is what it feels like when doves cry.
Then his media minders informed us we weren't allow to contact Mr Williams directly anymore and all our requests to converse with the big cheese had to go through them.
Was it something we said? Probably. It usually is.
Of course, he has also just been unveiled as the latest headline media identity to appear at the Melbourne Press Club.
Turns out, Chairman Kim, who also led News Corp, Foxtel, the Australian Film Commission and Southern Star Entertainment throughout his impressive career, will be their guest speaker on April 3 - with tickets going for up to $125. His topic of choice? A review of his first 'twelve months' heading up the public broadcaster.
So, precisely the topic we wanted to ask him about... and we only wanted to charge the low subscription price of $1.99 a month!
Guardian's political smut
Our friends at Guardian Australia like to think of themselves as a cut above other mere mortals in journalism. Not prone to clickbait, only interested in the stories that 'really matter', unwilling to stoop to populism.
Some slick Gen Z sub editor at the Guardian described Gina Rinehart and Peter Dutton's professional relationship as 'friends with benefits'. Which is funny coming from a news website that sneers at anything 'too tabloid'
In their world view, writing about anything that people might actually want to read about is 'too tabloid'.
But hypocrisy really is thy name at the Guardian, as evidenced by this suggestive headline that accompanied a story last week about Opposition Leader Peter Dutton's relationship with billionaire Gina Rinehart.
'Friends with benefits: Gina Rinehart and Peter Dutton's ideological love-in'.
We're certain Guardian editors will justify the grubby use of a term the dictionary defines as 'a friend with whom one has an occasional and casual sexual relationship' because the second half of the headline has a big word in it: ideological.
While people in glass houses should generally avoid throwing stones, which we've just done, the glass house the Guardian team lives in is rather more brittle than most, courtesy of their constant tut-tutting about the standards of journalism the rest of the media practises.
Julia Morris seeing ghosts
It turns out rumours of Stephen Bisset's existence have not been greatly exaggerated - no matter what Julia Morris wants you to believe.
The Ten presenter gave our mild-mannered Daily Mail Australia colleague an almighty spray on social media about a week ago.
His supposed crime? Writing a story saying there was industry gossip suggesting she might not have her contract renewed as host of I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!
Not only did the comedian reckon the yarn was made up, she accused Bisset of being made up.
We published rumours Julia Morris (right, with Robert Irwin) may not have her I'm a Celebrity contract renewed. She responded by claiming the journalist who wrote the story wasn't real
While reading out the scribe's byline during her prolonged Insta-grumble, Morris declared: 'Stephen Bisset!?! Who probably doesn't exist!'
And this despite the fact he's even interviewed her before!
Sheesh - why settle for shooting the messenger when you can just try to eviscerate their very existence, right?
And it wasn't just Bisset in the firing line. Morris went on to claim 'a lot of' journalists at Daily Mail Australia use 'nom de plumes' to hide their identity.
Talk about a wild conspiracy theory!
But before everyone starts breaking out their tinfoil hats, we'd just like to assure everyone that Bisset very much does exist (in fact, we're looking at him right now)!
Nine's dummy spit over MAFS bounce
Speaking of overreacting, the geniuses at Nine's legal department fired off a somewhat hysterical 'cease and desist' letter to podcaster Joshua Fox this week.
The content creator bounced MAFS 'relationship expert' John Aiken outside Double Bay institution Indigo on Friday.
In a 90-second clip later posted online, Fox peppered Aiken with questions about the show's ethics and morals as well as the advice he gives on it.
Nine's lawyers fired off a hysterical 'cease and desist' letter to podcaster Joshua Fox (left) this week after he bounced MAFS expert John Aiken at a Double Bay café
Fox explained he decided to go 'full ACA-style' after Aiken, producers Endemol Shine Australia and the Nine Network all refused to respond to his emailed questions.
Fair enough.
MAFS might seem a little low rent, but it's a massive money spinner for Australia's biggest media company. Fox is well within his rights to ask reasonable questions of one of the show's 'expert' stars in a polite, respectful manner in public.
What's more, bounces like this are the bread and butter of A Current Affair, Nine's second-highest rating show.
So far, so fair? Not according to Nine's legal letter, which alleges Fox's questions constituted 'intimidation' and 'harassment'. He was also accused of 'disrupting café patrons'. Be still my beating heart.
We reached out to Foxy, as he's known in the biz, and he brushed off the threat as 'laughable'. He rightly pointed out he wasn't doing anything worse than you'd see on ACA on any given weeknight.
'Nine pride themselves on news and journalism, but it appears that's only when they're the ones asking questions. When the tables are turned by a small independent creator, they attempt to silence them with a threat of legal action,' he told us.
Albo v Chalmers rivalry muddies election date
There is a rumour doing the rounds in Canberra that Albo might call the election as early as this weekend because he's become increasingly confident he'll be able to eke out a narrow victory, albeit only as a minority government.
But the PM's growing confidence isn't the reason for the speculation. Those peddling the rumour think he'll call it early to avoid Chalmers handing down the budget.
Albanese apparently doesn't like the idea that if Labor does win an election after the budget is delivered, Chalmers will claim credit for the victory.
That would only feed leadership tensions in its aftermath, potentially sending Albo to his recently purchased coastal retirement mansion sooner than he'd hoped.
Albanese apparently doesn't like the idea that if Labor does win an election after the budget is delivered, Chalmers will claim credit for the victory
But we're not buying it. The earliest the election could be held if it was called this weekend would be Saturday, April 26, which is the ANZAC day weekend, and we doubt he'd want a six-week election campaign if he announced the date for the following weekend, May 3.
Also, budget papers get printed over the weekend. Forcing them all to be shredded wouldn't be the most environmentally friendly start to a campaign for a party that likes to think its green credentials are to be applauded.
Plus there is the cost of canning the upcoming parliamentary week at such short notice, when flights and accommodation are booked for all the staffers and MPs making their way to the capital.
And don't forget budget week is also expected to earn Labor millions in donations as ministers schmooze with business elites at various dinners and cocktail parties.
So the rumour seems rather far-fetched to us. But it hasn't stopped those close to Chalmers from putting it out there, of course...
Rag riddle: Who's getting boned first?
And finally, before we go... a quick riddle straight from the rumour mill.
Try to figure this one out:
If all the big names at major newspaper company A are saying one of the key editors at major newspaper company B is about to get punted...
And...
All the big names at major newspaper company B are saying one of the key editors at major newspaper company A is about to get punted...
And...
All the big names at both major newspaper companies A and B are saying one of the key editors at their own respective companies is about to get punted...
Then...
Who gets punted first?
No, we're not sure either - algebra was never our strong suit... either way, neither editor is sounding particularly popular at the moment.
We'll let you know as soon as we work this one out, or someone gets punted, whichever happens first.
The Project
When will Ten kill off its pet Project?
Remember the last time you sat down and enjoyed watching a rollicking instalment of Channel 10's 'news done differently' gibberfest The Project?
No? Us neither.
Despite getting prime-time billing and being fronted by the network's only star, Sarah Harris, the program rarely finishes in the top 20 most-watched shows each night.
What's more, OzTam figures show less than one per cent of Australians tune in - and even that miniscule audience is in freefall.
And all this despite the network's comically bizarre humble-brag that 'The Project is the only news program in the world that doesn't use canned laughter'. (Er, we must have missed all those belly laughs on Four Corners).
Indeed, viewers are tuning out at such an alarming rate, insiders tell us it's sparked an existential crisis on set with many staffers dusting off their CVs while prophesying about the program's imminent collapse.
Viewers are tuning out of The Project at such an alarming rate, it's sparked a crisis on set with many staffers dusting off their CVs while prophesying about the program's imminent collapse
The main problem with The Project? The format is too old for young people online, too young for old people on television, and too tired and boring for just about everyone in between.
We mean, really... watching 70-year-old Steve Price trading barbs with 70-year-old Malcolm Turnbull in prime-time this week? Doesn't the Geneva Convention prohibit such cruel and unusual punishment?
Little wonder the network's execs are actively weighing up whether to give the ailing program the chop once and for all.
So just how nervous should the show's staff be?
Well, we asked Ten whether it was true The Project was currently 'under review' and not long for this world... only to be told, 'We won't be commenting on this.'
Yikes! That doesn't fill us with confidence.
With Ten clamming up, we decided to seek out Peter Meakin.
After all, the legendary journo is the most revered - and successful - TV newsman in the nation's history and the only person to head up the news and current affairs division at all three of Australia's commercial networks.
What's more, he was the real driving force behind The Project's news chops until just over a year ago.
Believe it or not, The Project panel once looked like this
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So, we asked him - excuse us, Mr Meakin - do you think The Project has much of a future?
And it certainly didn't sound like it.
'With audiences shrinking across the board and the subsequent cost-cutting, it's hard to be optimistic about any show,' he told us, tactfully.
So, you're saying there's a chance it could get sacrificed to the gods of cost-cutting?
'I have had no involvement with The Project or Ten for more than a year and I don't believe I have anything constructive to add,' he said, again tactfully.
'But budgets have always been important. In the old days, they were a starting point - and, if the show was successful, complaints of over-spending were often muted.
'We may even have been extravagant at times but we could afford to be. But there's no money anymore and very little fun.
Ten wouldn't bite, so we spoke to news veteran Peter Meakin, who stressed that media executives cannot ignore budgets
'Who was it again who said that accountants know the cost of everything and the value of nothing?'
Hmm... we're not sure. Aristotle?
'Actually, it might have been Oscar Wilde who applied that to cynics rather than accountants,' he informed us.
'Still, if the abacus fits, wear it.'
Wise words from one of the business's best brains. Make of it what you will, but we reckon we have a fairly good idea of how things are adding up for The Project. Abacus or no abacus.
Mamamia twins part ways
It's no secret in our industry that Mia Freedman, the founder of 'women's network' Mamamia, commands almost cult-like loyalty among her (mostly) female staff.
So we were shocked to learn one of her most loyal acolytes, one-time executive editor and podcaster Clare Stephens, resigned in January after nearly a decade.
Clare wasn't just a long-serving foot soldier in Freedman's media empire; she was a powerful figure in the newsroom and central to the Mamamia brand as one half of 'The Twins', alongside her sister, Jessie Stephens, with whom she shared a newsroom, career and job title. (Apparently a womb wasn't enough.)
Mamamia executive editor and podcaster Clare Stephens (left, with her twin sister Jessie on the right) exited the women's media company amid much surprise earlier this year
The Stephens twins had both been considered 'lifers' at the news and podcasting empire run by former magazine editor Mia Freedman (pictured)
Her reason for leaving?
Apparently Clare wants to forge her own path as a solo media personality separate to Mia and her twin sister. She's already done a very Mamamia-y piece for Sydney's Morning Herald newssheet about what a bad egg Ben Cousins is.
And she has a book coming out called The Worst Thing I've Ever Done which is, er, all about fictional women at a fictional women's media company. Fancy that!
The story follows a female journalist whose life is turned upside down after she 'unexpectedly outrages' a high-profile interviewee, leading to a social media pile-on.
Hmm... sounds familiar?
Guardian in the 'find out' stage after editor quits
The musical chairs inside the Guardian's Canberra bureau took a sad turn last week with (now former) political editor Karen Middleton announcing on social media she had left the organisation after 'an extended period of medical leave'.
Inside Mail has watched this sorry saga unfold for months as the respected press gallery veteran was forced to contend with jealous bitterness from a series of also-rans who thought they deserved her job, making it impossible for her to continue.
When a person who's forged a 30-plus-year career in Canberra media circles across multiple platforms with distinction - without a hint of a scandal, we might add - gets characterised by members of her new team as 'the problem child', you really do have to wonder whether it's the ones pointing their fingers who were the problem.
The news website's senior political correspondent Paul Karp has also left, as has reluctant landlord-turned-influencer Amy Remeikis.
After a months-long absence, Karen Middleton quit as Guardian Australia's political editor last week. We hear the Canberra bureau is now in a state of disarray in the lead-up to the election
The news website's senior political correspondent Paul Karp (left) has also left, as has reluctant landlord-turned-influencer Amy Remeikis (right)
Karp's replacement hasn't even started yet, although with the election now not due until May, he'll get into the bureau just in time to write a few pieces before having to wait another three years for the next election.
Inside Mail's Peter van Onselen spoke this week with someone with inside knowledge of the Guardian's Canberra bureau and Middleton's exit.
Losing Middleton was always going to decimate the Guardian's political coverage, they told him, but letting her go right before an election involving Anthony Albanese competing as PM was baffling.
Middleton, of course, wrote the only biography available on Albo. She knows him personally and would've been better placed than most political journalists to analyse his performance and get scoops. Not anymore.
We wish her replacement luck. They'll need it.
'Keto Albo' helps out a mate
Speaking of which... while the Guardian's new political correspondent Tom McIlroy hasn't written books about Albo, he did recently publish a book for which the PM was the star attraction on launch day.
Somehow our very busy PM had a free hour or so to rock up to McIlroy's launch of Blue Poles: Jackson Pollock, Gough Whitlam and the Painting that Changed a Nation.
Albo had a few words to say before settling in for 45 minutes to watch commentator Niki Savva chat with the new author on stage, leaving the running of the country ever so briefly to the likes of Treasurer (and wannabe leader) Jim Chalmers.
I've heard Albo, whose pre-leadership weight loss is shown here, is still on the keto diet. He managed to avoid the canapés at a book launch recently
While the PM probably should have better things to do this close to a budget and an election, his attendance says more about McIlroy's contacts than it does about Albo's love of canapés. (He is still on the keto diet, we are reliably informed).
Perhaps the incoming senior political correspondent will get a promotion before he's even arrived? Perhaps upgraded to political editor? Even if he doesn't, the good news for whoever does assume the role is that McIlroy isn't the sort of fellow to white-ant his new boss when they get there...
Dead air for Golden Bachelor?
We know, we know. We haven't talked about human headline Sam Armytage lately.
And while we don't have any news about her this week, we have heard some ghoulish gossip about the show she's hosting for Channel Nine, senior citizen matchmaking series The Golden Bachelor.
Rumour has it the late-in-life lonely hearts club is already experiencing production delays.
What happened? A Viagra drought on set?
Well, sources claimed there was a slight snafu as the series' first pick to be their mature leading man... he, well, died. Just days out from filming.
We heard a rumour Nine's original leading man for upcoming dating show The Golden Bachelor died suddenly. Fortunately he's still alive - but the reason he was replaced remains a mystery
We asked Nine about the rumours and were told that, while production did change the show's leading man at the eleventh hour, fortunately, it wasn't because of a sudden death.
The original pick, we are reassured, is very much alive and well.
So, why the last-minute switch? All we can say is... stay tuned.
Spotlight dims ambitions
There's an old saying in TV land: no one ever built a statue of an accountant.
But it seems the media types at Seven's Media City headquarters in Sydney's inner-south may well be on the verge of contemplating one (and not just because their current CEO Jeff Howard is a former beancounter).
For months, we've been hearing rumours of brewing behind-the-scenes dramas at the network's long-form snooze and current affairs program, Spotlight.
On top of that, the show hasn't won the ratings in almost a year - despite boasting blockbuster, headline-making interviews with James Packer and Heston Russell.
Seven's Spotlight seems to have abandoned its great hope of being a challenger to Nine's 60 Minutes. We hear the team is instead popping open the Yellowglen just for 'making budget'
Now, to be fair, the program hasn't been on air for half that time and is only back for its first, long-overdue outing for 2025 this Sunday, when veteran sports broadcaster Bruce McAvaney interviews 17-year-old Aussie sprinting sensation Gout Gout.
Whether that story's got the legs to finally win the ratings race for Spotlight remains to be seen. (Spoiler alert: it doesn't).
But with pressure mounting on the part-time program and talk of backroom brouhahas, we decided to check in with the powers-that-be at Seven to see how things were really tracking.
And we're assured they've never been peachier.
Why? Well, we're told the team are all very excited about... making budget this financial year. Wow!
Apparently, they've completely given up trying to compete with 60 Minutes and are simply focusing on winning the battle of the spreadsheets.
And here we were thinking commercial television was all about winning the ratings.
Even paradise has a downside
If you asked bush balladeer Slim Dusty, there's nothing 'so lonesome, morbid or dear, than to stand in the bar of a pub with no beer'.
But one-time 60 Minutes star Charles Wooley reckons he can go one better - he's just moved to a town with no pub.
He's been living life on the fly since stepping away from full-time journalism five years ago, and these days devotes his life to the art of angling for trout.
Wooley is quite serious about it. So serious, he's put his beachfront home on the market and retreated to a shack in the heart of the Apple Isle to focus on his daily hunt for trout.
One-time 60 Minutes star Charles Wooley just moved to a town with no pub in Tasmania. The upside is there are plenty of great lakes for angling for trout
The only downside - there's nowhere to have a wee dram after a long day on the lake.
It's not all doom and gloom though, he said… well, at least theoretically.
'Bronte Lagoon is only five minutes away. One of the prettiest lakes in the country, it holds a large number of trout, though sometimes you wouldn't think so,' he told us.
‘But at the right time, when wind, light and temperature happily collude, you can catch some great fish.'
Like any true fisherman, he even flicked us a quick happy snap to show us the proof! Any chance he has room for an apprentice angler?
'I'm happy to see even more mainland tourists at Bronte Park but stay off my lake,' Wooley told us. 'You've got a thousand others to choose from!'
Hands off the merchandise!
What becomes of the broken hearted? Well, it seems this week they've been working at Inside Mail.
After thinking we'd struck up a friendship with the ABC's new-ish chair Kim Williams after bumping into him at an inner-city café in December, suddenly we're getting the 'email my publicist' treatment.
We texted him the other day with a quick query - after he kindly invited us to keep in touch - and he decided it was easier to forward our message on to Aunty's team of spin doctors, instructing them to tell us he wasn't up for a chat.
We thought we were mates with ABC's straight-talking new chair Kim Williams. Now we're getting the 'ask my publicist' treatment
So this is what it feels like when doves cry.
Then his media minders informed us we weren't allow to contact Mr Williams directly anymore and all our requests to converse with the big cheese had to go through them.
Was it something we said? Probably. It usually is.
Of course, he has also just been unveiled as the latest headline media identity to appear at the Melbourne Press Club.
Turns out, Chairman Kim, who also led News Corp, Foxtel, the Australian Film Commission and Southern Star Entertainment throughout his impressive career, will be their guest speaker on April 3 - with tickets going for up to $125. His topic of choice? A review of his first 'twelve months' heading up the public broadcaster.
So, precisely the topic we wanted to ask him about... and we only wanted to charge the low subscription price of $1.99 a month!
Guardian's political smut
Our friends at Guardian Australia like to think of themselves as a cut above other mere mortals in journalism. Not prone to clickbait, only interested in the stories that 'really matter', unwilling to stoop to populism.
Some slick Gen Z sub editor at the Guardian described Gina Rinehart and Peter Dutton's professional relationship as 'friends with benefits'. Which is funny coming from a news website that sneers at anything 'too tabloid'
In their world view, writing about anything that people might actually want to read about is 'too tabloid'.
But hypocrisy really is thy name at the Guardian, as evidenced by this suggestive headline that accompanied a story last week about Opposition Leader Peter Dutton's relationship with billionaire Gina Rinehart.
'Friends with benefits: Gina Rinehart and Peter Dutton's ideological love-in'.
We're certain Guardian editors will justify the grubby use of a term the dictionary defines as 'a friend with whom one has an occasional and casual sexual relationship' because the second half of the headline has a big word in it: ideological.
While people in glass houses should generally avoid throwing stones, which we've just done, the glass house the Guardian team lives in is rather more brittle than most, courtesy of their constant tut-tutting about the standards of journalism the rest of the media practises.
Julia Morris seeing ghosts
It turns out rumours of Stephen Bisset's existence have not been greatly exaggerated - no matter what Julia Morris wants you to believe.
The Ten presenter gave our mild-mannered Daily Mail Australia colleague an almighty spray on social media about a week ago.
His supposed crime? Writing a story saying there was industry gossip suggesting she might not have her contract renewed as host of I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!
Not only did the comedian reckon the yarn was made up, she accused Bisset of being made up.
We published rumours Julia Morris (right, with Robert Irwin) may not have her I'm a Celebrity contract renewed. She responded by claiming the journalist who wrote the story wasn't real
While reading out the scribe's byline during her prolonged Insta-grumble, Morris declared: 'Stephen Bisset!?! Who probably doesn't exist!'
And this despite the fact he's even interviewed her before!
Sheesh - why settle for shooting the messenger when you can just try to eviscerate their very existence, right?
And it wasn't just Bisset in the firing line. Morris went on to claim 'a lot of' journalists at Daily Mail Australia use 'nom de plumes' to hide their identity.
Talk about a wild conspiracy theory!
But before everyone starts breaking out their tinfoil hats, we'd just like to assure everyone that Bisset very much does exist (in fact, we're looking at him right now)!
Nine's dummy spit over MAFS bounce
Speaking of overreacting, the geniuses at Nine's legal department fired off a somewhat hysterical 'cease and desist' letter to podcaster Joshua Fox this week.
The content creator bounced MAFS 'relationship expert' John Aiken outside Double Bay institution Indigo on Friday.
In a 90-second clip later posted online, Fox peppered Aiken with questions about the show's ethics and morals as well as the advice he gives on it.
Nine's lawyers fired off a hysterical 'cease and desist' letter to podcaster Joshua Fox (left) this week after he bounced MAFS expert John Aiken at a Double Bay café
Fox explained he decided to go 'full ACA-style' after Aiken, producers Endemol Shine Australia and the Nine Network all refused to respond to his emailed questions.
Fair enough.
MAFS might seem a little low rent, but it's a massive money spinner for Australia's biggest media company. Fox is well within his rights to ask reasonable questions of one of the show's 'expert' stars in a polite, respectful manner in public.
What's more, bounces like this are the bread and butter of A Current Affair, Nine's second-highest rating show.
So far, so fair? Not according to Nine's legal letter, which alleges Fox's questions constituted 'intimidation' and 'harassment'. He was also accused of 'disrupting café patrons'. Be still my beating heart.
We reached out to Foxy, as he's known in the biz, and he brushed off the threat as 'laughable'. He rightly pointed out he wasn't doing anything worse than you'd see on ACA on any given weeknight.
'Nine pride themselves on news and journalism, but it appears that's only when they're the ones asking questions. When the tables are turned by a small independent creator, they attempt to silence them with a threat of legal action,' he told us.
Albo v Chalmers rivalry muddies election date
There is a rumour doing the rounds in Canberra that Albo might call the election as early as this weekend because he's become increasingly confident he'll be able to eke out a narrow victory, albeit only as a minority government.
But the PM's growing confidence isn't the reason for the speculation. Those peddling the rumour think he'll call it early to avoid Chalmers handing down the budget.
Albanese apparently doesn't like the idea that if Labor does win an election after the budget is delivered, Chalmers will claim credit for the victory.
That would only feed leadership tensions in its aftermath, potentially sending Albo to his recently purchased coastal retirement mansion sooner than he'd hoped.
Albanese apparently doesn't like the idea that if Labor does win an election after the budget is delivered, Chalmers will claim credit for the victory
But we're not buying it. The earliest the election could be held if it was called this weekend would be Saturday, April 26, which is the ANZAC day weekend, and we doubt he'd want a six-week election campaign if he announced the date for the following weekend, May 3.
Also, budget papers get printed over the weekend. Forcing them all to be shredded wouldn't be the most environmentally friendly start to a campaign for a party that likes to think its green credentials are to be applauded.
Plus there is the cost of canning the upcoming parliamentary week at such short notice, when flights and accommodation are booked for all the staffers and MPs making their way to the capital.
And don't forget budget week is also expected to earn Labor millions in donations as ministers schmooze with business elites at various dinners and cocktail parties.
So the rumour seems rather far-fetched to us. But it hasn't stopped those close to Chalmers from putting it out there, of course...
Rag riddle: Who's getting boned first?
And finally, before we go... a quick riddle straight from the rumour mill.
Try to figure this one out:
If all the big names at major newspaper company A are saying one of the key editors at major newspaper company B is about to get punted...
And...
All the big names at major newspaper company B are saying one of the key editors at major newspaper company A is about to get punted...
And...
All the big names at both major newspaper companies A and B are saying one of the key editors at their own respective companies is about to get punted...
Then...
Who gets punted first?
No, we're not sure either - algebra was never our strong suit... either way, neither editor is sounding particularly popular at the moment.
We'll let you know as soon as we work this one out, or someone gets punted, whichever happens first.
The Project
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